ACSF seeks ESPN status

We are building a résumé to be the headline guys for all things ESPN. We have built a great foundation thus far...and will continue to think outside the box to come up with plays-on-words headlines, which is the only thing that seems to fly at ESPN. Check it out:

'No-more Garciaparra set to retire' - It's a play on words because his name is Nomar and he retired from pro baseball (the sport).



'Oh-No!' - It's a play on words because Apolo Anton Ohno stumbled a bit and missed out on the gold medal.



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Women's Hockey Update

And this concludes our update on women's sports until 2012 in London. Now get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

NBC drops the ball

It's a shame that NBC is too busy shutting down sites that are streaming live coverage of the Olympics (in this case hockey), at the cost of forgetting to cover the games themselves.

This is the familiar site of what should be live coverage of the US vs. Switzerland hockey game.

Brewers to Honor Selig (and wear brown on brims)

The Super Bowl is over. For the ACSF, sports is perpetually about moving onto the next sport in line until at a certain point in the season, generally between opening day and the all-star break, the team has statistically been eliminated from playoff contention. Today we move on to baseball. Nothing major was announced from Cubs/Sox camp, but the Cubs division rivals had huge news.

The Brewers will honor Bud Selig by constructing a statue of him outside of Miller Park. I'm not sure how to comment on this one, but the easier thing to comment on is the fact that they will also play this season with brown paint on their brims to show their love & support of Mr. Selig. Baffling? Yes. But it's the MLB.

- TNG

The Bears Are On the Clock!!!!!

Actually the Rams are on the clock for the upcoming NFL draft, but this is Average Chicago Sports Fan, not average St. Louis sports fan, if this WAS average St. Louis sports fan, I would most likely be guzzling Budweiser, while listening to country grammar, and swinging from the arch, wearing my new TJ Oshie jersey, but that's not the case here.


According to http://www.draftsite.com/nfl/2010mock.htm , the Bears are poised to select the worst player available with their 75th overall pick, when they will select middle linebacker Pat ANGERer out of the University of Iowa. This pick will complete the Bears defense, giving them the ability to strike PAYNE and ANGER into the opposition at any time. The bears new offensive line coach Mike Tice said it best when he said "Chicago is a tough guy town, with tough guy football". The Bears must select players with tough guy last names to avoid the obvious outcome of having a player with a GAY last name.

Pat Angerer will be the natural replacement for Brian Urlacher, because he is white, he has tatoos, a shaved head, and plays middle linebacker. Pat Angerer will wear the number 74 to show his anger towards the 74 teams that passed on him in the draft, he will acquire the number 74 from Chris Williams when he trades it from him straight up for a saloon door, which will be used to fill in for the absence of Williams during injuries and water breaks. According to Wikipedia, Pat Angerer draws comparisons to Mark Simoneau (no relation to Justin Morneau). who is Mark Simoneau you ask? Well, he is currently hoisting the Lombardi trophy from the injured reserve of the New Orleans Saints, that's who Mark Simoneau is.

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now that the football season is over, we can begin to focus on the upcoming Olympics in the neighboring (worthless) country Canada, i went to Montreal when i was younger, and the only vivid memory i had, was driving down this ghetto street with hookers everywhere, and huge billboards with naked women on them, and my mom was yelling at us to cover our eyes and dont make eye contact with anyone outside, so i think its safe to assume Canada is the sleaziest country in the world,

this week i've been assigned to cover the wheelchair curling event in the paralympic games which will run from march 12-20. wheelchair curling is very similar to regular curling, except in order to compete in wheelchair curling, you must be missing an arm or leg or a combination of the two, needless to say, this will be a very entertaining event. wheelchair curling will take place at hillcrest park in vancouver. For more information on the wheelchair curling event just google it.

RIP Gaines Adams

Breaking News: Gaines Adams was found dead... um 3 days ago I believe.

I scrounged youtube hoping for a Bears highlight for all of us to remember him by, but the only thing that came back was Gaines picking off old friend Kyle Orton for a TD.

Sports News

newest headline - 'Tiger Woods at fault in one-car crash, police say'

hmm, it took 5 days for the police to figure out that Tiger Woods's running into a fire hydrant was his fault. Who else's fault could it have been? ACSF is finding that the PGA wanted to blame it on John Daly, the Florida police wanted to blame illegal Cuban immigrants, and the FBI was following leads that it was the White House party crashers. Anybody but Tiger Woods. However after 5 days they realized that since he was the only person in the car and hit a stationary object, there was no possible way to spin it any other way.


Tiger obeyed the traditional PGA signs by staying silent, but eventually the story would get out.

This is the Numbers Guy reporting from Washington DC
- The Numbers Guy

ACSF staff mounts insurmountable comeback

In the 2009 Thanksgiving weekend darts classic at Tommy Nevins (Nuh-vins), team ACSF staged a 3 way cricket comeback not seen since Saved by the Bell College Years resurfaced on the silver screen. Unable to hit any numbers of value in the early going, the ACSF team was thrown on the back of Yahn Sieber, a perennial all-star, who fought through a shoulder injury a la Kirk Gibson, to spark the team when the team was down and out. Followed up with consistent play by troycRTC (DecentDestroyer) and kirbyLLC (The Numbers Guy), ACSF took down the giant which was a team ingrediented by Ray Small/Bob Jones. Tune in next month for the 2K9 Christmas classic.

Where is Superjumanji?

ACSF is looking for this guy:


















We know he's out there and has this window open as one of 5-8 internet windows open throughout the course of his day. Please come back to ACSF and contribute one article per quarter. At least show us your moustache.

- The Numbers Guy(s)