New Bears Fullback

He'll eat your children and provide huge holes for Matt Forte.

Looking out for the next Plaxico Burress: Chicago Style

It's going to happen again I tell you. To be honest, I'm surprised it hasn't happened more. Athletes walking around in clubs packing heat, drinking expensive bottles of champagne, shooting themselves. It's very similar to the early 2000 phenomenon of being a young rookie and speeding and almost killing yourself on a motorcycle. First it was Jay Williams, then Kellen Winslow. There will be an encore to Plaxico, I guarantee it. To borrow a Cubs fan line, "It's gonna happen!" But who will it be you ask? That's what ACSF is here for. Here are my top choices.



Larry Hughes: Now you are probably saying to yourself. Larry Hughes would probably miss any shot that went off. You are probably true, but shooters keep shooting and Larry wouldn't stop until he got the job done.




Kerry Wood: So he isn't officially a Cub anymore, but he isn't officially on another team either. Wood loves finding new ways to hurt himself. Would you be that shocked to see a headling like this? "Wood to the DL with self inflicted gunshot wound." Granted, I'm not a Cubs fan.. but would anybody that knows or roots for the Cubs be shocked by that?



Joakim Noah: Noah has been arrested before so it wouldn't surprise me if he showed up in the Deerfield police blotter. You gotta believe Noah owns an arsenal of weapons. Plus, I'm sure Noah has a huge repertoire of dance moves that would make it easy for a loaded weapon to go off in his pants.




Honorable Mentions go to: Drew Gooden, AJ Pierzinski, Alfonso Soriano, Brandon Lloyd, Lance Briggs, Aaron Gray (hunting, not in a club).

Thinking of changing to ANYSF

I got back from a fruitless trip to Argentina with my tail between my legs after finding no leads to the Nocioni family. I guess it speaks to a complete lack of story in the Chicago sports world. As a result, the ACSF team is pondering a company move to New York since that seems to be where all the drama exists. Guys shooting themselves in the leg, being held up, and rumors of Lebron coming to town. All that Chicago has is a stale story about Savard's firing from months ago and whether Steve McMichael is Hall of Fame worthy.

ACSF investigates

We sent a member of the ACSF team to Argentina in search of any trace of a Nocioni relative. I'm sitting in a small airport and my flights delayed, which is threatening the progress. No word yet, but we'll post updates periodically as to the progress of this important mission.

NBC Sports Presents!

"Hi there and welcome to the 2008 NBA Season. I'm Bob Costas for NBC Sports and in case of the 2008 Chicago Bulls its a fresh start. For the first time in NBA History we have a team that is coming off a lackluster season where they won only 33 games. We would have to go back to the era of Sleepy Floyd and the Houston Rockets in the late 1980's to find a team with that much talent get so little on the court. I had the chance to sit down with NBA Hall of Famer and one of the fifty greatest players of all time in Michael Jordan"

"Hey Bob, It's amazing how talented this team is this year. From the looks of it, they have plenty of young guys who are hungry for playing time and to prove they deserve that max deal. If I could do it all over again, I would."

"I'd like to thank Michael for that interview as he is a very busy man these days destroying the Bobcats. And we will now send the broadcast down to Marv Albert who is standing alongside Magic Johnson and the "Czar of the Telestrator" Mike Fratello."

"Alright Bob, and welcome all to the 2008 season. Let's check the stats from last season."

"As you can see, the sharpshooters need to step up their game, or this could be a long season."

"You know what Marv, it gets real disappointing for a team when you draw the play up and everything works out amazing and then the shot doesn't fall. I'm looking at these two guys to get it back on track or it's going to be a long year."

Click the title of the post for an extra treat.

The dreaded two first name syndrome

So, I had to sit through a full game of Matt Ryan shredding the Bears D play after play and it made me despise players with two first names. Here are some other players that I have grown to hate having two first names.

Double Firsts Hate List #1

Ryan Grant (RB - Green Bay) - Grant Hill, Buddy Ryan, Grant Thornton, LLP... you get my point. Grant Ryan would make a hell of a sweet name though. Although, if he played for the Packers.. I would probably grow to hate him as well.






Double Firsts Hated #2

Terry Glenn (WR - USA) - I don't think you need to see more than the picture below to know why he made this list. He may not play this year, but I still hate him.


Double Firsts Hated #3

Kelly Gregg (DT - Ravens) - Alright, I don't hate him at all but I did find a former student body president from Minnesota State University with the same name and I now love all Kelly Gregg's. And to think I never knew a Minnesota State University existed outside of watching Coach.


My god, that might be the best stache I have ever seen. If I could have grown that in college, I may have the Guiness record for STD's.

Blackhawks win....and simultaneously fire Savard

trading one stache for another




(conversation after beating the Coyotes)

'Denny, we gotta let you go.' -DT
'Huh?' - DS
'Pack your bags, you're done here' - DT
'Why, we just beat the Coyotes pretty soundly?' - DS
'Well we're a losing franchise here in Chicago and we want to keep it that way.' - DT
'Oh okay.' - DS

08-09 Prediction: Blackhawks 0-82

I know it's kinda late to jump in and make predictions about an upcoming season when it's already underway, but Avg Chicago Sports Fan made a guarantee that we wouldn't have up to date information (breaking news if you will).

With that said, we predict that the Blackhawks will go 0-82 this year. Like a right handed ball thrower stepping forward with the right foot while trying to simultaneously throw a ball with the right hand, the Blackhawks started their season on Friday, Oct 10th (eerie!) with a 4-2 loss to the Rangers. See above photo for some of last nights action. Tied for third in their division, they still have a shot at the playoffs, let's just cross our fingers that Detroit and Nashville also go winless this year.

-the Numbers Guy

2 Average Chicago Sports Fans talking Sox

Ladies and Gentlemen. Your 2008 Chicago White Sox!

Orton going long to.... Orton

So I'm fabreezing over the top WR's rankings for this upcoming draft and I see Greg Orton out there from Purdue. Would there be a better combination out there than an Orton to Orton combo? Especially since they are from the same college that's produced about 4 NFL players.

Iraqi's and Seahawks, match made in heaven

Here we see an Iraqi sporting a 2000 Seahawks football shirt. I take it they didn't win anything that year. Perhaps I should just stop wearing jersey's and sport that years football team.

2008 Bears football. . . . um. . . good enough (print)!

'uh, could ya lean in a bit more chad...great thanks!'

the jets team was obviously thrilled to be in the presence of elmo, just like every other 1 year old. only problem is that bill belichick beat the snot out of the jets later that week on sept. 9, 2007 by a score of 38-14. but the jets have a more well rounded resume ya see.

obviously a conspiracy

the 'Da Bears' sign has a couple different shadows, but inside the shuttle, there should only be one, the sun. the 'astronauts' somehow got their signals crossed and couldn't remember whether they were home or away. hence we have a dude that looks like a sailor in the background. also, bears fans don't go to space. nice try NASA!

status at 11:21am EST

Kerry "my helmet is so low I can't see" Collins gets the nod

Forgive me. I know in our manifesto we said we wouldn't write about breaking sports news. But I couldn't resist. Is there anyone else in the history of the NFL who has worn his or her helmet below eye level?

GOOD SEASON CUBS! WE'LL GET EM NEXT YEAR

Gettin ready for the season

so...

How Many Seconds Will Mike Brown Last This Year?

Let's be honest, call a spade a spade, shoot from the hip, whatever other cliché phrase can be used for telling it like it is. Fan favorite Mike Brown has been injured each of the last 45 seasons, each year earlier in the season than the previous one. So based on the Numbers Guy's calculations, he's now down to about 18-22 seconds of PT (short for playing time, not as in peter tom willis) this year. His injuries have strangely been plotted on a line graph and the result is parabolic in relation to the length of the season that passes before he gets injured. So that's why this season he may only last 18-22 seconds. I love Mike Brown to death and hope that the Numbers Guy's calculations are off...but just wanted to prep the fans.

Passionately yours,
the Numbers Guy

flat top timmer to don zimmer

In watching this year's Cubs team, I can't help but be reminded of my favorite team of the past: the '89 Cubs. In the seemingly endless string of years in which we as Cubs fans would let out a collective expletive come August/September (let's be honest: most years it was June/July), mine were typically directed to the managers. I feel the style of play has to come from the top. When a manager (whose name will not be revealed--we will call him, Wusty Daker) allows his "superstars" to swing out of their shoes trying to hit a five-run homer with no one on base, trailing in the eighth inning, not only Dan Roan could tell you that something has to change. Although, maybe I'm being too hard on him--he did some stuff that fell under the radar. Like for example, I know it wasn't Sammy Sosa's idea to make a 3-1 count an automatic swing situation regardless of pitch location, speed, break, inning, score, outs, runners in scoring position, runners not in scoring position, who's on deck, in the hole, nuclear war, no--he was swinging 3-1. Now I know Du--I mean Wusty had to be coaching him to do so. I mean, could Sosa really have thought of that on his own? We as a knowledgeable group of fans want a manager who is going to coach his guys to, get this, TAKE A WALK should a 3-1 pitch not be what he's looking for. Double steal, sac bunt, squeeze bunt, hit and run, steal home. This is the style of play we want. So naturally, when I saw our Cubs playing the game the right way, I thought, wow, the last time we had a manager who preached such a passionate style of baseball was Don Zimmer. Here are more similarities between the two:

Don Zimmer was born in Cincinnati; Lou Piniella used to manage the Cincinnati Reds.

The Cincinnati Reds radio announcer is Marty Brennaman who recently insulted Cub fans everywhere (see link below). His son, Thom Brennaman was once an announcer for the Chicago Cubs.

Chicago also houses the White Sox whose former announcer was Harry Caray. Harry Caray was the announcer for the Cubs in '89, coached by Don Zimmer.

Don Zimmer played middle infield. If you combine the numbers 89 and 08 the middle numbers are 90.

Lou Piniella's Cincinatti Reds won the World Series in '90 whose radio announcer was Marty Brennaman, whose son at the time was announcing for the Cubs along with Harry Caray who was drinking Old Style at the same time Lou Piniella was getting doused in it.

Don Zimmer many years later was tragically slammed to the ground by Pedro Martinez.

So...

Here is Marty Brennaman spouting off:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ky9Kso9q_Ws

An open letter to Marty from me:

Dear Marty,
I just want to start by saying that I haven't been following your career since day one. I am not a huge fan, and it is not an honor to be writing you. First off, I know how embarrassing it must be to call yourself a loyal Reds' fan. I mean, besides Joe Morgan, Pete Rose, Ken Griffey jr., Barry Larkin, the Nasty Boys, Chris Sabo, Frank Robinson, Johnny Bench, Eric Davis, and Royce Clayton, who did that team ever have? And who, really, is a Reds fan? At least when our team breaks our hearts, we can bitch and complain with fellow Cubs fans. The reason the Cubs are infamous for losing is because it affects so many across the country. So one can clearly see what is going on here: you are simply jealous of the passion and commitment that Cubs fans exude in astounding numbers. I don't know much about broadcasting, but I know this: when something happens during a sporting event which does not please you, you are paid to have a voice of reason--not to make blanket statements directed at the millions of Cubs fans around the country, simply because you didn't like the drunk few in the (perennially sold-out) bleachers on that particular afternoon. You cannot just whine and cry like a little baby on the air when something does not go your way. Who do you think you are, Hawk Harrelson?
Sincerely,
An ACSF

- posted for jghack by the numbers guy

Flat Top Timmerman

Nuff Said

Roger and Me

No this is not a commentary on Michael Moore's debut film about the sad state of the car industry in Flint, MI, but rather a turn back the clock to 2003-2005 when there was a collective exodus out of Chicago by sports stars and corporate stars alike. I'm obviously referring to the departures of Roger Mason Jr. from the Bulls and Kasey Kirby from the KPMG corporate auditors. To have your life changed, click below:



While I wish that I had the photo of Roger Mason Jr, Lonny Baxter, Tyson Chandler, Jamal Crawford, Tuomu Ruutu, and Mark Bell accompanied by corporate stars Kasey Kirby and another anonymous KPMG employee, I let my emotions get the best of me when I recently pulled the picture out and furiously threw it in the garbage after not one of the listed athletes still puts on the proverbial Chicago sweater. Roger and me, born 17 days apart, both ended up out in Washington DC, living happily ever after. After what? After, after.

Pargo headed to Russia, Russia immediately loses war with Georgia.

Our favorite Ex-Bull here at ACSF has left the Hornets to play professionally in Russia. Granted, it's only a one year deal but life without Pargo in the NBA is going to be tough. At least league wide field goal percentage will rise next year without Pargo taking the chance to shoot anytime he touches the ball.

speaking of 1st round picks

wanted to compare a random teams 1st round draft picks up against the bears over a period of a few years and here's what i found:


cowboys:
1988 - michael irvin (hall of fame)
1989 - troy aikman (hall of fame)
1990 - emmitt smith (hall of fame)



bears:
1988 - brad muster (who the hell knows)
- wendell davis (starter for the bears...wouldn't make any other NFL team)
1989 - donnell woolford (baggin groceries?)
- trace armstrong (known as the guy to wear #93 b4 philip daniels)
1990 - mark carrier (decent player, but certainly not HOF)



keep in mind this was the bears decent streak before hitting their stride in bad picks starting with thierry in 90. and also keep in mind that we had 5 first rounders in those 3 years and how far that got us compared to what the boys did with 3 1st rounders over as many years.

- the numbers guy

Chris Williams - Injured? Really? Damn It!

So #1 pick Chris Williams is out for an extended period of time. I guess the Bears are interested in Fred Miller, but I personally would be willing to wait it out until after the Olympics and sign the lady above named Ohla Korobka from the Ukraine. Name me one D lineman that could penetrate through Ohla. Keep it clean, or not.

Favre to the Bears?

Now taking comments from Bears fans about the potential that exists of Brett Favre being in a Bears uni for the unfolding 2008 season. What a turn of events that would be? Personally I could see him in a Bears uniform. Although they'd have to pre-unretire Captain Comeback's #4 that he solidified in the Neal Anderson/Brad Muster era, but just has yet to become official due to work backup in the front office at Halas Hall. Brad Muster fumbled 3 times in the inaugural 1990 season, but also recovered 1 for a net fumbles lost statistic of 2.

Ex-Cub of the Week - Carmen Fanzone

Pro's:
Contradicts his feminine first name with a manly stache.
Signature is classic cursive and easy to read
Last name makes me hungry for a calzone

Con's:
Called dibs on a helmet by writing his number on it.
0 triples in over 588 career at-bats.
Was born in Detroit, Michigan

Ex White-Sox of the Week - Kelly Paris

Born : October17th, 1957

White Sox Stats: 44 AB's, 11 hits, 3 dongs, great stache, looks like my 7th grade History teacher.

Yes, you did see us at the Cubs game

Super fan of ACSF, Jon Caesar.

Far-ve from home?

ACSF predicts well in advance that Fa(v)re will end up in NFL Europe for the upcoming season. Although I think that Europe is in Winter when the US is in Summer, so not sure he'll ever play a game with the Amsterdam Admirals this year. If we know Bret(t) like we think, he'll use this as a piggy backing device to get to Canada to play with the Argonauts for a season only to hop the unprotected border (vote for McCain to secure borders) via fishing boat only to hook up with Ragnar (100% cheese free) and backup Randall Cunningham for the Vikings during the 08 season. Cheers.

March Madness Preview!

It's about that time of year for March Madness predictions. That's right...when no one else gives a shit.

My vote for 2009 - North Carolina

Remember where you heard it first.

- The Numbers Guy

Thanks for joining us for the Live Blog

The guys at ACSF will be back soon at a time TBD and an event TBD.

Hope you enjoyed Tiger's 14th Major.

ESPN headlines

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of most ESPN headlines on ESPN.com. As I'm watching the end of the US Open, I'm more nervous about the next crummy ESPN-play-on-words-headline, then I am about who is going to win. That's when you know it's time to shut down their site. Here are some potentials that we at average chicago sports fan came up that ESPN would post after a Tiger win.

"Taming a Tiger" (thumbs down)
"Hunting a Tiger" (thumbs way down)
"Show em you're a Tiger, show em what you can do. The taste of Kellogg's Frosted Flakes, brings out the Tiger in you.........and You!" (would be cool, but they'd never do it)

Next inevitable dreadful headline comes after game 6 of the NBA Finals.

- The Numbers Guy

Happy Father's Day from the ACSF team!

Gift ideas for dad

NBA Draft Lottery tonight

Bulls have a 1.7 chance, no way in hell they get it.

Anywho, go Bulls! ! !

Ever seen that movie Memento?

We're going in reverse. This is Rocco on 16 after sinking a short putt

So, since the Open is over..

Who's it going to be with the #1 pick?




or

Your 2008 US Open Champion is.....

Tiger Mediate

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